Smell the Glove vs. The Service Nationals and Smell the Glove vs. The Fearless LEADers

Outcomes: Zang (20-11 and 10-7)

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Two strong wins by the Glove deserve something better than just some bullet points mocking the other team and my insights on the new Expendables movie coming out (it rhymes with “lonertastic”). So to celebrate some well Gloved softball, I decided to dedicate these last two games to the Olympics. Labes and Gentlemen, please step up to the podium.

Women’s Volleyball

And the Gold Goes To: Hope

Judges Say: Men and women can agree that this is way more fun to watch than dude’s volleyball – kind of like Hope’s hits are way better than our #3 through #6 hitters on the Glove.

Archery

And the Gold Goes To: Casey

Judges Say: In order to win at archery you need a steady hand and pinpoint accuracy. Recently, Casey discovered an uncanny ability to hit a softball in a straight line directly into the opposing shortstop’s glove.

Handball

And the Gold Goes To: Fadam

Judges Say: A lot of times I watch handball and have no idea what is happening but I can’t take my eyes off the screen. Kind of like when Fadam titted a cheese steak, served it, and then decided that nothing would be accomplished by offering an apology.

Boxing

And the Gold Goes To: Lisa

Judges Say: You never know what the judges are going to do in this event. Lisa knows the feeling after experiencing the Supreme Court decision to (obviously) uphold the health reform legislation.

Men’s Platform Diving

And The Gold Goes To: Chandler

Judges Say: These dudes rock outfits that make banana hammocks look like Zuba’s. Chandler’s shorts basically achieve a similar visual experience.

Gymnastics

And the Gold Goes To: Jackson

Judges Say: This sport has the craziest/creepiest most involved coaches in the Olympics. You are our Bela Karoyi Sir Loin.

Trampoline

And the Gold Goes To: Andrew

Judges Say: Up and down. Up and down. Somehow Andrew went from hall of fame short-fielder to Tom Brunansky level short-fielder in the course of three outs.

Cycling

And the Gold Goes To: Matt

Judges Say: When you bike over a hundred miles in one day for charity you deserve a medal.

Rhythmic Gymnastics

And the Gold Goes To: Aaron Bill

Judges Say: I found myself learning more about this “sport” from going on the internet than actually watching the competition. Here are some things I learned about Aaron from his GChat status: his grandfather is in the football hall of fame and DeMaurice Smith responds to his emails.  Thank you inter-webs.

Table Tennis

And the Gold Goes To: Jason

Judges Say: Everything about this sport seems way too small. I’m not not trying to imply something about Jason’s dog.

Pole Vault

And the Gold Goes To: Jen

Judges Say: Effort over execution. Ask Jen about her vaulting experience in high school when you get a chance.

Wrestling

And the Gold Goes To: Robb

Judges Say: This sport requires fast twitch muscles and being comfortable in uncomfortable positions. Robb showed he has mastered both when he caught an old man line drive headed for parts unknown.

Fencing

And the Gold Goes To: Tristan

Judges Say: Although Kevin Garnett and Cody holding a fork were in the running, the Gold medal has to go to our one and only qualifying Junior Olympian (paperwork pending).

Closing Ceremony

And the Gold Goes To: Judge

Judges Say: You didn’t think this post was going to end without the Judge giving herself something to wear next time she’s catching the last out of the game did you?

Street Credit Rating:

  • Rampant nationalism: +11%
  • Knowing the outcome of every event: -3%
  • Rampant face painting: +7%
  • Scoring 0.0 in a diving competition: -16%

Final Street Credit Rating: 132%

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The Glove Is Beholden to No Man (or The Man)

It’s been a while since the Glove got some much needed press – http://softball.rollcall.com/no-member-or-office-no-problem-for-softballers/

Some wise words from our wise Skip:

“I was berating my friends to bring people to fill out the roster,” Swetland said. “It’s always easy to ask if people know of anyone that wants to play softball.”

It’s official, The Glove answers only to words of beratement*!

*Word created for Glove purposes only.

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Smell the Glove vs. The Badda Bings

Outcome: Quaf (9-10)

The Glove’s showdown with the Bings promised to be an epic confrontation between two one-loss teams, but we lost so it was kind of a bummer. Some really fantastic efforts from a lot of different folks attempted to fight off this bummer-ness but in the end The Glove succumbed to some phoney-baloney, bush league psych out stuff (i.e. having more runs scored against us).

 

The ladies brought the sticks with the Judge and Hope doling out some key hits in the later innings while Stout channeled some Charlie Sheen/Wild Thing action to keep the Bings on their toes all game long. Cody sported some kind of vest/back pack contraption that makes him look kind of ridiculous but also helps him hit more home runs than anyone else on the Glove.  Matt’s tire popped – which sucked. And he was on his way to kickball – which sucked. But he ended up Gloving it – which was good. Casey introduced a newbie to this crazy little thing called Glove with some strong results (thanks Stephanie) and Andrew decided that he would play Garth Hudson in any upcoming movie about The Band (you keep dreaming buddy).

 

Fuck this post about losing – Jason got a puppy!

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Street Credit Rating:

  • Playing one of the better team’s in the league to what amounted to a draw: +12%
  • Being forced to listen to the other team’s boom box: – 13%
  • Robb’s smorgasbord of beers: +4%
  • No puppy presence: – 3%

Final Street Credit Rating: 112%

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Game 8: Smell the Glove vs. DNC

Outcome: Bamma Lam (34-22)

Although the fun drubbing of another softball team provides a nice boost to the Glove-ittude levels, we of the Smell left Wednesday’s game with a few concerns:

  • The State of the Democratic Party: Let’s just hope the DNC sent out their Brightest and left their Best back at the office to hit home runs for voter rights and something to replace “Si, se puede.”
  • DC Pedestrian Awareness Levels: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?
  • Snakebite Redux: Most of us look back on the days of Snakebite booting grounders with happiness, but Aaron’s decision to pay homage to the man with the stone hands was a little too real – 4 real.
  • Gravity vs. The Glove: In their attempt to under-jump one another, Cody and Andrew showed who wears the pants in a Glove-Gravity showdown.
  • Improper Catching Techniques: The Skip is used to balling up his fist and menacingly shaking it at all those who question the Glove. While it’s up there, why don’t we use that other hand to secure the ball eh Skip?
  • Proper Equipment: By getting a hit while not wearing any shoes, Casey called into question all usage of proper athletic gear including hats and shuttle cocks.
  • Internalized GPS: Is it just me or would Flanagan make a horrible Chutes and Ladders player? Well the field is here, so I’ll just walk this direction and then jump on this fast looking chute. What could ever go wrong with a chute? It does allow him to maximize prancing time – we will give him that.
  • Bike Tease: Hey! Look at this sweet bike I just bought! I posted it on Facebook and everything! My name is on it! Wait, you expected me to ride my bike to the game instead of this other bike? Yes Jen, yes we did.
  • Bee Hole: Say good-bye to clowns, snakes, and mismatched socks – the new scariest thing on the block is the Bee Hole.

Fuck these concerns – Jason got a puppy!

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Street Credit Rating:

  • 14 runs in the first inning: +14%
  • Giving up 22 runs to a bunch of Johnny’s: -12%
  • Matt’s new white cleats (aka “The Whites”): +5%
  • Finding out “The Whites” were purchased for kickball: – 9%

Overall Street Cred Rating: 112%

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Game 7: Smell the Glove vs. Booze, Win, or Lose

Outcome: Bamma Lam (16-8)

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Shrugging off an aborted attempt to play in a field/gulley, the Glove rolled up to an available dog park that was heavy on poo funk/vapors* and light on available hits for the other team. This proved to be an issue for the Boozers and more specifically for their number one league ranking.

But enough about the other team, this was an overall team effort by the Glove that combined some strong fielding, timely hitting, and a crap load of bats**. Unfortunately for the rest of the country, the level of awesomeness created on the field later gathered somewhere over the Midwest resulting in area power outages and a new Spanish word entering the weather lexicon***. While the Glove will try to control these unforeseen events in the future through the deadening effects of PBR on hand-eye coordination, we cannot be held accountable for any Cody related damage to trees or to dream catchers.

This was one will go down in Glove Lore folks – great game.

*Speaking of dog poo, getting to witness Jason enter into an honest discussion with a middle aged white dude about the weight of his dachshund was both fascinating and disturbing
**You know, just in case Marshall breaks like five of them.
***Thank you El Nino for creating one of the best SNL skits of all time, but Derecho will be taking it from here.

Street Credit Rating:

  • Sarah performing some advanced scouting in an attempt to find a new field: +13%
  • Almost getting beaned by other teams while figuring out the field situation: -5%
  • Sideline Glovers sacrificing their bodies to keep the ball in play: +17%
  • Throws from 3rd base: -6

Final Street Credit Rating: 135%

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Game 6: Smell the Glove vs. DAI Stingers

Outcome: Bamma Lam (19-14)

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Instead of providing a recap of a game I did not play in, I decided put together a list of stories about Rickey Henderson. Enjoy….

  • Rickey… on referring to himself in the third person: “Listen, people are always saying, ‘Rickey says Rickey.’ But it’s been blown way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they know I’m ticked off, saying, ‘Rickey, what the heck are you doing, Rickey?’ They say, ‘Darn, Rickey, what are you saying Rickey for? Why don’t you just say, ‘I?’ But I never did. I always said, ‘Rickey,’ and it became something for people to joke about.”
  • In the early 1980s, the Oakland A’s accounting department was freaking out. The books were off $1 million. After an investigation, it was determined Rickey was the reason why. The GM asked him about a $1 million bonus he had received and Rickey said instead of cashing it, he framed it and hung it on a wall at his house.
  • Henderson once fell asleep on an ice pack and got frostbite – which forced him to miss three games — in mid-August.
  • A reporter asked Henderson if Ken Caminiti’s estimate that 50 percent of Major League players were taking steroids was accurate. His response was, “Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there.”
  • When he was on the Yankees in the mid-1980s, Henderson told teammates that his condo had such a great view that he could see, “The Entire State Building.”
  • To this day and dating back 25 years, before every game he plays, Henderson stands completely naked in front of a full length locker room mirror and says, “Ricky’s the best,” for several minutes.
  • The morning after the Red Sox finished off their 2004 World Series sweep against St. Louis, Henderson called someone in the organization looking for tickets to Game 6 at Fenway Park.
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Game 5: Smell the Glove vs. The Howard Bitewings

Outcome: Quaf (4-5)

No one likes going to the dentist. To best display my feelings on the subject here is a list of a few things that I would prefer to do instead:

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  • Getting kicked in the groin.
  • Being Jason’s spell checker (after this post I will be officially shifting over making fun of Jason to his small dog).
  • Having Matt explain to me again about him being on a “competitive” kickball team.
  • Getting kicked in the nuts
  • Finding myself in any social situation where Jen feels comfortable saying, “Labes!”
  • Hearing Lisa’s response to Jen’s “Labes!” comment.
  • Getting kicked on the tip of my penis.
  • Discovering that I have been entered into a hula hoop contest against Tristan.
  • Being in the room when the truth comes out about what happened to Andrew’s New Kids on the Block Disney Special VHS tape.
  • Getting kicked in the tanit.
  • Finding out that either Chandler or Ghiozzi recently met a female relative of mine (age 17 to 34).
  • Scoring more than 4 frickin runs so that we don’t lose to the Howard Dentistry School in softball.

Street Credit Rating:

  • Did I mention the four runs we scored: -43%
  • Among all professions, dentists have the highest rate of suicide: +1%
  • Tristan reminding me at the bar about the recently purchased Hockey Bloopers DVD that was given to me as a “gift”: -13%
  • No cavities: +12%

Final Street Credit Rating: 89%

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